From last year

"Four thousand years ago in Babylonian times, resolutions were made with the intention that what was done on the first day of the New Year would be reflected in the remaining days of the year." - India Times 2003

Could this be where the tradition of making a promise to one's self came from? I'm not absolutely sure. Nor does it really matter for the sake of conversation. The fact is people make resolutions every new year. You can set your watch to it. It's very strange to me, this annual ritual people participate in. I hear folks speak them in whispers to themselves, aloud to family and friends, to strangers in line at the grocery store (which by the way, drives me nuts. I just want to buy my crap and hope to make home before my milk expires as opposed to getting stuck behind Chatty Chatty who will tell anyone who makes eye contact about how her azaleas are growing.) as well as going as far as writing them down then sticking them on their refrigerator.

The types of resolutions people make range from the trivial to the nearly impossible. Quitting smoking, dieting, being nicer, being more assertive, wearing a seat belt (shouldn't you do this anyway?), better money mangement, making more money, buy a house, go back to school, stop drinking, quit drugs, pay alimony (I actually heard that one), seek out and meet your real parents, jump out of a perfectly good airplane, write a book, learn an instrument, join a band, win the lottery (how is that a resolution?), eliminate laziness, and on and on.

The truly disturbing thing is most resolutions made are just empty promises and idle gossip. Very few are actually carried out. Most are dashed onto the rocks of failure. I think quite a few people make them ultimately to fit in. Hearing a group of co-workers, friends, etc. talk about theirs and not wanting to be left out, something is blurted from the lips without realizing the emotional impact it may have if it does not come to fruition. I think with some people their intentions are good, but again complacency creeps in and before you know it, back to the same old same old.

So why make them at all when at least ninety percent of them end in defeat? Ah, there in lies the rub. We want to better ourselves, start fresh. We want to make the effort. Bullshit. If you are not going to follow through, then don't bother. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say "Well, at least I tried", I would be in Germany driving 180 miles per hour in a Ferrari on the Autobahn listening to Kraftwerk. So what to do? Set your resolutions on a more realistic plane. Or if you can't do that at least make them entertaining. That way if you fail, you at least had a good chuckle at your own expense.

This is how I went about making my own resolutions (Coincidently, this is the first time I have ever made one, let alone more than one.), with very little regard of actually committing to them even though some for the sake of humankind I must. If I wasn't so lazy I'd paste them on my fridge. So, without further ado......

I RESOLVE:

TO DRINK MY BODY WEIGHT WHILE ON MY CRUISE.
This one will not be a walk in the park. I set sail for Mexico in roughly five weeks. Now we all know that food on a cruise is inclusive, therefore eating my body weight would be dangerous but less costly. Besides who wants to be forced to be pushed around the beach/boat in a wheelbarrow? So, to keep from coming home penniless I will be sticking to the Drink-of-the-day. Oh, and I meant my weight on the moon.

TO UNRAVEL THE MYSTERIES OF POINTLESS CELL PHONE BLATHERING IN PUBLIC.
What is with everyone? Do we really have that much to say? Why do 11 year old girls have cell phones? Are they talking to their broker? "Yes Frank, I said 1000 shares of Nickelodeon, not Playskool!" Also, why do I have to hear a one sided conversation about what movie you're going to bring home from the rental store? (Bless you Netfilx) Obviously the lazy bastard at home doesn't want to get his fat ass off his couch and go with you to pick out the damn movie so he gets what you pick out. So hang up the phone and pick one. On the other end of the spectrum, what's with these Nextel phones? (read: Walkie Talkies for Adults) This makes the I.Q. reducing conversation even more irritating because now I get to hear two morons yakking while I'm trying decide if I want cheese with that. As for you movie talkers, who feel that 10 plus dollars is no big deal, go outside if you need to tell Kim that Johnny made out with Karen behind Jessica's back. Maybe some more research will shed some light on this epidemic of thoughtlessness.

TO CONTINUOUSLY AVOID ANY LINDSAY LOHAN PROJECT.
This one I can do without breaking a sweat. As long as I keep my eyes closed. This girl is like a virus spreading like the flu. It can't kill you but it will make you very sick. She is everywhere. Just another over-saturated teen Hollywood is shoving down America's throat in every media outlet. I knew music was in trouble when she was on the cover of Rolling Stone. These are the times I wish Celebrity Deathmatch was real.

TO PAY RESPECT BY PLAYING AT LEAST ONE OLD SCHOOL GAME PER WEEK. No matter how advanced gaming has or will become, I will always have time for a little trip down gaming's memory lane. There is no better way to spend a cold rainy Sunday afternoon than dusting off and firing up your copy of Super Mario 3 or Joust. I am appalled at gamers of the new generation who belittle the older generation of gamers for their "lousy graphics, easy gameplay, craptastic sound and no replay value". As I recall some of the old school games were harder than any today. Well kids, I'm here to tell you, don't let the old school gamer's candle inside you flicker and die out. You'll regret it on your death bed. And for you newjacks, you'll have to speak up, my hearing aid died on me.

TO CONVERT THREE PEOPLE INTO DIEHARD XTC FANS.
Did you ever see a movie, read a book, watch a show or hear a band that you had to tell someone so they could share your joy? This is XTC. As most of you know who frequent my club or read my blogs know that I am totally fanatical about this band. (Uh, yeah...we saw your avatar) Not in the stalking sense, just in the musical sense. With over 15 studio albums each one possessing a different sound, but all recognizably XTC, these boys from Swindon are the best band you've never heard. This resolution is going to be the toughest, seeing as how you cannot completely influence a person's musical taste. So if your interested in making the journey to the Uffington Horse and back, drop me a line and I will buy your bus ticket.

NEVER TO USE THE TERM "CRUNK" IN A CONVERSATIONAL SETTING.
Lil' Jon can say it all day long. It's his right. For that matter any rap artist may utter that phrase and I have no problem. But when a white suburban rich kid starts spouting it as every other word then I have to blow the whistle. There's something wrong when these kids try to be someone they're not. If you like the music fine, but look in the mirror every so often to remind yourself you are not a black rap artist/producer. You don't hear Dr. Dre going to clubs saying "howdy" or "Bitchin" do you? So why do I have to hear from a 23 year old white kid who's probably never even been to a real project neighborhood before mouth this as he's buying his Budweiser? So this resolution I already abide by now. Viva La Resistance.

TO RE-READ THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY ONCE A YEAR.
Don't get me wrong, the movies are great. But I don't want them to overshadow the books. I don't want to visualize Sean Astin (Mr. Goonie) every time I think of Samwise Gamgee. I want to see all the characters in my mind's eye as how I portray them and not because of a Hollywood production. Besides the movies cut some significant scenes from the text. Tom Bombadil for instance. And my mental version of the woods of Lothlorien are much more vivid than Mr. Jackson's interpretation.
I think I will start this resolution while sunning myself on the top deck while on my cruise. Dead Can Dance is the perfect soundtrack to have playing as I slowly stroll through Middle Earth. Do they grow Longbottom Leaf in Mexico?

TO STOP THE MISPRONUCIATION OF THE WORD ESPRESSO.
I blame Starbucks for this one. Without their monopolizing march across the United States, most people wouldn't even know about this french treat. It has now become a normal facet of our daily lives. Which brings us to the problem at hand. The layman can't seem to pronounce this word correctly.
I hear this word butchered at least three times a day. I think you know what I'm talking about. I know you have heard this just as many times as I have. Yes, I'm talking about "EXPRESSO". If you are one of these offenders, I will be starting a workshop later this spring to combat the linguistical annihilation of this and many other words in the english language. Hope to see you there.

TO TRANSFER ALL MY ALBUMS INTO CD FORMAT.
Now this one is going to take some time. this will be an on-going task. I own way too many records to be able to pull this off within a single year. Before you say, "Why don't you just rip them onto your PC then burn them from there", I have a statement. I enjoy owning the actual studio recording with all the bells and whistles. Pictures, liner notes, lyrics, the works. Sure I could do all that myself. Some I might even have to. I don't think I'm going to find the collected works of 80's club band Frank's Chickens on cd, but there is something about having a nice shiny new recording in your hand. The smell of the insert. The way the case looks before it's riddled with scratches and fingerprints. Call it a sickness. I call it heaven.

EDIT: I have done almost all of these with the exception of the cd transfer and that nasty girl Lohan. She just won't go away.