Canopy: Originally posted 3/23/05

As you all know, I took a cruise to Mexico last month. (Please read the first entry here.) Well of course with any cruise there are bound to be some off-ship excursions. I mean I suppose you can stay on the ship the entire week, but why deprive yourself of some other worldly culture? Look at it this way, it would be like going to an amusement park and riding the bumper cars all day. Sure they're fun, but I want to ride the rollercoaster as well. Excursions come in all shapes and sizes. Some are relaxing, some downright exhausting. There's bus tours, nature walks, museum tours, whale watching (Which I find to be like nature's version of gambling. Sometimes you hit blackjack, but most of the time it always ends up snake eyes.), sailing, waverunners, parasailing, snorkeling, scuba diving, vineyard tours...well you get the idea. Some people choose to arrive in port before making their decision, which is not a well thought out plan. You get all excited and BLAM!, it's already entirely booked, and has been for months. Remember this kiddies: Always book your excursions at the same time you book the actual cruise. You'll thank me for it later. Or you can thank me now, I'm easy.

Which brings us all to the point of me typing this out at 12:00 am. What did I pick? What was my excursion de jour? What group/and or company got my hard earned pesos? My wife and I, no wait that's not right. My wife picked this one. She was the catalyst for my body feeling the effects of this adventure for weeks afterwards. She is the reason I had to soak my cartoonesque-throbbing joints and muscles in the hot tub on the ship for two hours. This was not a bad thing per se, I did have a drink with me the whole time in the hot tub. So I give her full credit. But without her jackhammering the idea into my granite like grey matter, I wouldn't have this story to tell now would I? We know we did not want to experience the countryside on a bus, or walking around a small quaint village as the locals jumped out at us like Latin ninjas peddling their trinkets (which some of them were really cool). We're not star crossed lovers in a sappy TV movie of the week starring Lindsay Wagner or Melissa Gilbert, so the romantic sailboat ride at sunset was not an option. We've done the snorkel thing, so that too was out. So we had three choices left. Swimming with the dolphins (I feel bad for the little Flippers having to deal with knuckle dragging bipeds pawing at them all day), A pirate ship to a private beach (that one we almost picked, the drinks were free on that trip) or the Canopy Adventure.

Of course we chose the latter of the three. It would be a little pointless for me to be writing about that, if in reality; I tried to spot Orca from a boat all day don't cha think? Let me say this: It was the coolest thing I've ever done to this day, with the exception of me pushing Pete Rose's snot-nosed punk-ass son (and almost punching him) while I was at baseball camp. That is another story I am not allowed to comment on as advised by my attorney. Although I still would have been tried as a minor. The journey began with an hour long ride in an open Mercedes off road vehicle known as a Unimog (you know, the kind you see on the Discovery channel) to the jungle of Puerto Vallarta. I think the drive itself made me more nervous. Once we arrived at our destination, we were suited up with about 30 pounds of gears, winches, pulleys, safety lines and the dorkiest helmet you have ever seen. It reminded me of the one Mike Myers wore when he played his retarded SNL character Phillip. After a brief lesson up to the first platform we went.

We were not to touch any cables at any time, the guides were to do all of that. We were always tethered with a safety line though. One by one each member of our party took the first zip line down to the next platform. Each zip became increasingly longer than the previous one. Some up to about a football field in length. We were also told our hand is our brake. Push down and you slow down. If you squeeze the cable then you have problems. Which of course is your first instinct when all around you trees are rushing by at a blistering pace. Look at the picture above as I demonstrate the proper technique. (beginner's luck) What you cannont see from that picture is the smoke wisping off of my leather glove due to massive amounts of friction. But...it is always better to brake too soon than too late. If you brake too late or God forbid not at all, then these are a few things you may see coming towards you faster than Robert Blake can say "Whew!"

After a few zips it occurs to me I am very high up in the treetops. After my heart stopped racing from the adreniline I just mainlined I ask one of the guides (who were all very cool) how high we were. Eighty feet was the response. It doesn't seem like much but when all you have holding you up there is a small two inch wide strip of material attached to a cable it becomes quite clear that you are playing a game of twister with Death. Best two out of three of course.

With a group of fifteen people ranging in ages from twenty-five to sixty-five, some people became very eco-friendly while standing on a platform ten stories from the forest floor. Zip runs with names like Mamacita, Big Papa, The Blender and Macho Man all lived up to their glory. If flying through the canopy at 25 miles an hour wasn't enough, there were the traverse bridges to attend to. About a foot wide and wobblier than grandma's Jello mold, these 'breaks' in the action provided a perfect opportunity for the guides to jump up and down as you were walking across. They thought it was funny. I told them I would have thought so too, but my heart was already doing the same thing.

By the fifth zip line images of Solid Snake, Rambo and to a lesser extent Bionic Commando start to enter my head. Shouting "Who's your Daddy?" was a prerequisite while flying down the Mamacita. I myself opted for the less popular but much more effective "I'm your Daddy!" as the birds, startled from my exuberance, fluttered from the branches to a safer less egotistical location in the forest. Zips, bridges, slamming into trees, gloves catching fire, bad jokes about mexican beer and a seventy-eight foot repel down to the safety of mother earth finally came to an end. I even saw some nature along the way. So all in all another experience that I can store in my memory filed under the "I can't believe I just did that" folder. There's an old saying that goes, 'You can't see the forest for the trees'. But you sure as hell can if you're standing on top of them.

Holy Shit!

I'm leaving this post here for one reason: Information. Take the time to watch this documentary in its entirety (1:40). We've stood on the sidelines far too long and very soon it won't matter unless something is done now. I'm not an activist, but after watching this, I think I've changed my mind.

Go here.

Well, It's been quite some time since I've actually updated. Work has been keeping me busy as has the website I am currently co-running and writing for. The name of the site is called Deeko and for all intents and purposes, it's a gaming website, filled with reviews, features, blogs and is now in the process of a major overhaul. Upon returning from E3 this year, I realized just how far we've come (and have so far to go) as a site. I wouldn't trade it for anything. We are running this on a very tight budget, but are slowly swimming away from the shallow end of the already dilluted pool of gaming sites on the web. Unbiased and brutally honest, we pride ourselves on giving you the straight scoop with as little filler as possible.

So for all you aspiring game journalists out there, if you are looking for a place to set up camp, plant some roots, get in on the ground floor, hang out a shingle, then this could be the place you've been looking for. Please send an email to matt@deeko.com or pete@deeko.com if you have a burning desire to let everyone know just how overrated you thought Halo really was.

Windows Vista: Just a few tidbits

I had a chance to attend a Microsoft Dog & Pony show about a week ago to get a look at Windows Vista and Internet Explorer 7 in action. The first thing I noticed was Vista was nothing more than an all in one version of Stardock's Object Desktop. Using many of the same features, Vista is now more customizable than ever before. Beginning with the start menu, we were shown just how different it really is. Gone were the trail of submenus popping up all over your desktop, replaced by a Quick Search bar on the bottom of the Start menu. This feature is much more convenient, allowing easy access to files and folders. Noticable the "run" feature was missing, but can easily be dropped into the menu for you old schoolers.

Another nice feature is the Explorer window itself. You can still use the file tree method as before, but within the window itself, you can access your documents in many other ways. Let's say you have a Word document you want to see. Instead of opening Word you can just select the document and with a scroll tab, just zoom into the document from the window itself, giving a crystal clear view of the text. Also added are what Microsoft is calling Virtual Folders. Imagine you have all sorts of files scattered all over your PC but each has a common link, for instance they all have to do with Jessica Alba. Create a Virtual Folder with that subject, and every single file will pull into that Virtual folder (jpegs, text, etc.), even if the subject is within the body of the document. Very cool. Another nice feature is the ability to jump between folders without clicking the back button fifteen times. Before this is what you saw in the address bar: C:\Program Files\Music\Kraftwerk\Computer World. Now each folder can be clicked on within the address bar, sending you right back to that folder.

Apparently after the lackluster build of Internet Explorer 5 and 6, Microsoft learned their lesson. Taking their cue from user created Firefox and to a lesser extent Opera, IE 7 can do many of the same things. Tabbed windows, RSS feeds, as well as beefed up security measures while searching the web.

These are just a few of the features I thought were worth mentioning. There were so many more (Transluscent windows, 3d mapping, a sidebar similar to Sysmetrix) that to list them all here this blog would go on for days. I was impressed with what Microsoft is doing, but it sure took them a long time to get there. With a street date of Holiday 2006, the next few months will give Microsoft the time to work out all the bugs. I belive that some of the 3D features is going to need DirectX 10 to work, so for some of you this may be a good time to start thinking about upgrading. More on Vista later as I delve a bit deeper.

From last year

"Four thousand years ago in Babylonian times, resolutions were made with the intention that what was done on the first day of the New Year would be reflected in the remaining days of the year." - India Times 2003

Could this be where the tradition of making a promise to one's self came from? I'm not absolutely sure. Nor does it really matter for the sake of conversation. The fact is people make resolutions every new year. You can set your watch to it. It's very strange to me, this annual ritual people participate in. I hear folks speak them in whispers to themselves, aloud to family and friends, to strangers in line at the grocery store (which by the way, drives me nuts. I just want to buy my crap and hope to make home before my milk expires as opposed to getting stuck behind Chatty Chatty who will tell anyone who makes eye contact about how her azaleas are growing.) as well as going as far as writing them down then sticking them on their refrigerator.

The types of resolutions people make range from the trivial to the nearly impossible. Quitting smoking, dieting, being nicer, being more assertive, wearing a seat belt (shouldn't you do this anyway?), better money mangement, making more money, buy a house, go back to school, stop drinking, quit drugs, pay alimony (I actually heard that one), seek out and meet your real parents, jump out of a perfectly good airplane, write a book, learn an instrument, join a band, win the lottery (how is that a resolution?), eliminate laziness, and on and on.

The truly disturbing thing is most resolutions made are just empty promises and idle gossip. Very few are actually carried out. Most are dashed onto the rocks of failure. I think quite a few people make them ultimately to fit in. Hearing a group of co-workers, friends, etc. talk about theirs and not wanting to be left out, something is blurted from the lips without realizing the emotional impact it may have if it does not come to fruition. I think with some people their intentions are good, but again complacency creeps in and before you know it, back to the same old same old.

So why make them at all when at least ninety percent of them end in defeat? Ah, there in lies the rub. We want to better ourselves, start fresh. We want to make the effort. Bullshit. If you are not going to follow through, then don't bother. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say "Well, at least I tried", I would be in Germany driving 180 miles per hour in a Ferrari on the Autobahn listening to Kraftwerk. So what to do? Set your resolutions on a more realistic plane. Or if you can't do that at least make them entertaining. That way if you fail, you at least had a good chuckle at your own expense.

This is how I went about making my own resolutions (Coincidently, this is the first time I have ever made one, let alone more than one.), with very little regard of actually committing to them even though some for the sake of humankind I must. If I wasn't so lazy I'd paste them on my fridge. So, without further ado......

I RESOLVE:

TO DRINK MY BODY WEIGHT WHILE ON MY CRUISE.
This one will not be a walk in the park. I set sail for Mexico in roughly five weeks. Now we all know that food on a cruise is inclusive, therefore eating my body weight would be dangerous but less costly. Besides who wants to be forced to be pushed around the beach/boat in a wheelbarrow? So, to keep from coming home penniless I will be sticking to the Drink-of-the-day. Oh, and I meant my weight on the moon.

TO UNRAVEL THE MYSTERIES OF POINTLESS CELL PHONE BLATHERING IN PUBLIC.
What is with everyone? Do we really have that much to say? Why do 11 year old girls have cell phones? Are they talking to their broker? "Yes Frank, I said 1000 shares of Nickelodeon, not Playskool!" Also, why do I have to hear a one sided conversation about what movie you're going to bring home from the rental store? (Bless you Netfilx) Obviously the lazy bastard at home doesn't want to get his fat ass off his couch and go with you to pick out the damn movie so he gets what you pick out. So hang up the phone and pick one. On the other end of the spectrum, what's with these Nextel phones? (read: Walkie Talkies for Adults) This makes the I.Q. reducing conversation even more irritating because now I get to hear two morons yakking while I'm trying decide if I want cheese with that. As for you movie talkers, who feel that 10 plus dollars is no big deal, go outside if you need to tell Kim that Johnny made out with Karen behind Jessica's back. Maybe some more research will shed some light on this epidemic of thoughtlessness.

TO CONTINUOUSLY AVOID ANY LINDSAY LOHAN PROJECT.
This one I can do without breaking a sweat. As long as I keep my eyes closed. This girl is like a virus spreading like the flu. It can't kill you but it will make you very sick. She is everywhere. Just another over-saturated teen Hollywood is shoving down America's throat in every media outlet. I knew music was in trouble when she was on the cover of Rolling Stone. These are the times I wish Celebrity Deathmatch was real.

TO PAY RESPECT BY PLAYING AT LEAST ONE OLD SCHOOL GAME PER WEEK. No matter how advanced gaming has or will become, I will always have time for a little trip down gaming's memory lane. There is no better way to spend a cold rainy Sunday afternoon than dusting off and firing up your copy of Super Mario 3 or Joust. I am appalled at gamers of the new generation who belittle the older generation of gamers for their "lousy graphics, easy gameplay, craptastic sound and no replay value". As I recall some of the old school games were harder than any today. Well kids, I'm here to tell you, don't let the old school gamer's candle inside you flicker and die out. You'll regret it on your death bed. And for you newjacks, you'll have to speak up, my hearing aid died on me.

TO CONVERT THREE PEOPLE INTO DIEHARD XTC FANS.
Did you ever see a movie, read a book, watch a show or hear a band that you had to tell someone so they could share your joy? This is XTC. As most of you know who frequent my club or read my blogs know that I am totally fanatical about this band. (Uh, yeah...we saw your avatar) Not in the stalking sense, just in the musical sense. With over 15 studio albums each one possessing a different sound, but all recognizably XTC, these boys from Swindon are the best band you've never heard. This resolution is going to be the toughest, seeing as how you cannot completely influence a person's musical taste. So if your interested in making the journey to the Uffington Horse and back, drop me a line and I will buy your bus ticket.

NEVER TO USE THE TERM "CRUNK" IN A CONVERSATIONAL SETTING.
Lil' Jon can say it all day long. It's his right. For that matter any rap artist may utter that phrase and I have no problem. But when a white suburban rich kid starts spouting it as every other word then I have to blow the whistle. There's something wrong when these kids try to be someone they're not. If you like the music fine, but look in the mirror every so often to remind yourself you are not a black rap artist/producer. You don't hear Dr. Dre going to clubs saying "howdy" or "Bitchin" do you? So why do I have to hear from a 23 year old white kid who's probably never even been to a real project neighborhood before mouth this as he's buying his Budweiser? So this resolution I already abide by now. Viva La Resistance.

TO RE-READ THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY ONCE A YEAR.
Don't get me wrong, the movies are great. But I don't want them to overshadow the books. I don't want to visualize Sean Astin (Mr. Goonie) every time I think of Samwise Gamgee. I want to see all the characters in my mind's eye as how I portray them and not because of a Hollywood production. Besides the movies cut some significant scenes from the text. Tom Bombadil for instance. And my mental version of the woods of Lothlorien are much more vivid than Mr. Jackson's interpretation.
I think I will start this resolution while sunning myself on the top deck while on my cruise. Dead Can Dance is the perfect soundtrack to have playing as I slowly stroll through Middle Earth. Do they grow Longbottom Leaf in Mexico?

TO STOP THE MISPRONUCIATION OF THE WORD ESPRESSO.
I blame Starbucks for this one. Without their monopolizing march across the United States, most people wouldn't even know about this french treat. It has now become a normal facet of our daily lives. Which brings us to the problem at hand. The layman can't seem to pronounce this word correctly.
I hear this word butchered at least three times a day. I think you know what I'm talking about. I know you have heard this just as many times as I have. Yes, I'm talking about "EXPRESSO". If you are one of these offenders, I will be starting a workshop later this spring to combat the linguistical annihilation of this and many other words in the english language. Hope to see you there.

TO TRANSFER ALL MY ALBUMS INTO CD FORMAT.
Now this one is going to take some time. this will be an on-going task. I own way too many records to be able to pull this off within a single year. Before you say, "Why don't you just rip them onto your PC then burn them from there", I have a statement. I enjoy owning the actual studio recording with all the bells and whistles. Pictures, liner notes, lyrics, the works. Sure I could do all that myself. Some I might even have to. I don't think I'm going to find the collected works of 80's club band Frank's Chickens on cd, but there is something about having a nice shiny new recording in your hand. The smell of the insert. The way the case looks before it's riddled with scratches and fingerprints. Call it a sickness. I call it heaven.

EDIT: I have done almost all of these with the exception of the cd transfer and that nasty girl Lohan. She just won't go away.

Xmas gamer Part II / Orig posted 12/20/04

For those of you reading this blog and have not read part one, please do so now. It's ok, I'll wait...........Welcome back now on with the story.

ovember 1986 arrived and I found that I had become a different person. As I had said before, my mother had died the previous year. I still hadn't fully realized that fact. I had many other things clouding my mind at the time, (living in a no heat no AC apartment, a crappy job, etc.) so the grieving process was still in phase one. My gaming life had changed as well. The one arcade I frequented as a young teenager had since closed, and I hadn't touched any of my now collecting dust home systems in quite some time. Was I growing old of gaming? Was I closing the door on a part of me I thought would be with me forever? No, not entirely. The gamer inside me was just waiting for the right time to expose himself once more to the world. Enter the Nintendo Entertainment System.

lthough the system had been released in the US in 1985, I did not obtain my gateway to gaming nirvana until one year later. This was a landmark system for me in many ways. First: It was the first (but not the last) home console I purchased with my own money. Second: It was exceedingly influential in my decision to call in sick to my crappy job on more occasions than I care to admit. But I am getting ahead of myself here. Let's set the wayback machine, shall we? Just after Thanksgiving I fell into some money. It was from the sale of my mother's house. I won't disclose the amount, but let's just say, unlike Indiana Jones, I would have chosen more wisely. I had seen and heard about the NES in spades. Remember, this was when Nintendo used to advertise a little more than they do now. I figured it was time to get back into gaming. I skipped (drove actually. Because of a near fatal incident, my skipping days are over) down to the local toy store to purchase my new "perfect toy". With system and three games in tow I headed giddly back to my apartment. Just twenty minutes and absolutely no arguments (I don't miss everything about being a kid.) the NES was ready to go. The three games I purchased were Super Mario Bros., (included: Duck Hunt was not a pack in)
Kung Fu and Metroid. My roommate and I played and played and played. SMB. What can I say about this game that hasn't been said a hundred times? Hearing from a friend of a friend about the turtle shell extra man move was just about the coolest thing ever. (It only took us about 30 tries before we finally pulled it off.) Kung Fu was fun for a quick beatdown. Low kick, low kick, low kick all the way through to the end. Compared to today's games not very strategic, but back then it was as fun as anything else. Then came the mother of all games (to me anyway). Metroid. Say it with me....M E T R O I D. We played this for days on end. Each one alternating between playing and navigating. We even drew up a map as we played so as not to get lost. Every time we'd stumble across a new uncharted area, it was like we were transformed back to the days of being ten years old again. It was all we could do to keep from shouting off the balcony, "We found Kraid! We found Kraid!" Immediately followed by, "Are you writing this down? Two screens right, shoot up then jump up." By the time we reached the now infamous Mother Brain, we both had three days of facial growth and old chip bags and departed soda cans lay littered at our feet. And the hits kept on coming. Zelda, Kid Icarus, Zanac, Tecmo Bowl, Contra, Gradius, Metal Gear, Rush 'N Attack were just some of the gems I played. (and still play to this day) True to form, I wasn't even remotely aware of the significance of these moments until much later. The NES and the name Nintendo became my benchmark on how all other gaming moments would undoubtably be measured. All seemed to be right with the world. My gaming cyclist was back on the track and peddling as fast as he could go. But nay, that was not meant to be. You see someone had put a giant spike in the road of my gaming cyclist. And it's name was Genesis.

pon entering 1990 my NES library had grown to biblical proportions. (I had purchased a Gameboy as well) Christmas on the other hand was another story. It no longer seemed important. Just another day. I was beginning to separate Christmas and gaming. The perfect toy was now just a childhood dream, and rightfully so. It was around this chapter of my life I became acutely aware of two things. Adulthood and nostalgia. I so desparately wanted to recapture the feeling of gaming as a child, that I neglected to view it from an adult's perspective. What that perspective was I couldn't tell you except maybe that fun games are just that. Fun. No more, no less. The Genesis made me stand up and take notice. "Blast Processing"? That had to be good. To make a long story short I picked the slick, faster jet black Genesis over the Super Nintendo. By this time I was with my soon to be first wife (which ended 9 years later amid many knockdown drag-outs over gaming. She wasn't a gamer in the least. Another blog perhaps) and my gaming time was cut drastically. Therefore choosing the right game to play became paramount. Gunstar Heroes filled the bill. In the meantime I am a full fledged Sega fanboy (way before I knew what the term meant), "dissing" the Big N with one hand while still playing my Gameboy with the other. Sad. A year Later I broke down and bought the SNES, and was happy as pie. Yet another evolution (and my last I'm afraid) in the Christmas/gaming creature that was bred so long before. The last time gaming and Christmas really intertwined for me was in November of 1998.

his was the year. The Zelda year. By this time I had purchased a Nintendo 64 and a Playstation. I had run through Super Mario 64 and was wondering if Nintendo would release a disc based system and if Sony would take over the world. I was right on both counts. With my fanboy status killed and funeral services held earlier that summer, I was ready to forge ahead. I think everyone knows where they were when they first played Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I loved the gold cartridge, albeit a little flat compared to the previous releases. With no lights anywhere except the lights from the very early rasied Christmas Tree (another argument topic with the ex), I gingerly placed the cartridge in the slot and powered up. I swear I watched the demo screen for about ten minutes, the tranquil music washing over me before I even thought of hitting the start button. Then I did, and the rest is gaming history.

So what have we learned kiddies? Gaming and Christmas are still part of my life today. They are slightly askewed from the days back in '76, but still remain important. Just not in the same way. Christmas and gaming nowadays is just a time when all the new systems, games, hardware, etc. are set to hit the store shelves ending the all out tidal wave of advertising set up months, even years before. So now I treat them as two entities instead of one. They both create lasting memories and influence points in our lives, as well as entertain. I still buy all the systems, I just tend to buy them after the holiday season. Being an adult made me at least become aware and appreciate one thing. Patience. Which is what I'll be showing from now until the day I die. Patiently waiting. Waiting for the two to cross paths again. Until they do, I will always listen for the sound to return. The sound that started it all.......Beep......Boop......Beep......Boop.

XMas gamer part one / Orig posted 12/13/04

I wasn't sure how to start this. When you think about it, Christmas creates an avalanche of memories about so many different moments in a persons life. Some good. Some bad. An engagement announcement. A loved one's death. Family dinners. Shaking presents.
Wrapping presents (ugh). Travel crowds. Shopping crowds. Reliving old stories-where you don't come off so well-again and again. The smell of the tree. The needles they shed (do they breed after they fall off?). Discussing religion. Having egg nog with rum. Arguing about religion. Vacation from school. A Christmas Story. Waking up at 5:00 am on Christmas morning because you're to juiced up to sleep. Running downstairs (I didn't really have a down stairs. It just paints a better picture than 'running down the short L-shaped hallway) looking down upon the overflowing (again, painting)
presents under the tree. Playing basketball with your dad using wadded up wrapping and a paper bag. But as a kid, there was always one thing on your mind. The perfect toy. Which is where our story begins....

he year is 1976. The Bicentenial is almost over.
Kiss is huge and I am a ten year old preteen growing up in Los Angeles.
A ten year who loves the arcade. Pinball? Ok. Air Hockey? Alright. Pong?
What do you think? I played this as much as a child could, pushing
the patience button of my parents all the while. "We have to go now. C'mon Mom! One more game!
No....NOW!" I think my favorite arcade experience was when I was walking out of my local arcade. I had spent the measly $1.50. on pinball, Night Driver and Pong. (That's only one play on some games today - sigh) As I shuffled past the pinball machines-all blinking and beeping-with my head down I spotted it. Wedged underneath a leg of one of the machines was a twenty dollar bill. Bitchin' (it is '76 y'know) I said under my breath. I look around, see nothing suspicious, and slowly bend down to pick it up. That day I played games for about an hour, bought about a dozen corn dogs and almost got up the nerve to go into the head shop next door. All in all, a good day. This really has nothing to do with Christmas. I just like that story. Now where was I......Oh yes. With Christmas just around the corner I was pumping my parents for information regarding what my gift and/or gifts could possibly be. Tight lipped and slightly annoyed at the constant barrage of questions, (and suggestions) my mom shot down every angle I tried. I just had to wait. When Christmas day finally came, I could not control myself. Ripping open box after box in search of the elusive perfect toy. Payday. I'll play it later. Hot Wheels. Not right now. And so it went. (One thing to know. Every year my dad would play the ol' "Why don't you check around the couch. Make sure nothing got pushed back there" trick. He used to hide all the eggs in the same spots every Easter too. He kills me.) So I pull out the box from behind the couch and go to town on it. As shreds of paper waft down onto the carpet I see it. It's what I've been waiting for. Sears Tele-Games Super Pong IV it reads. A moment passes...nothing heard but my own heartbeat rapidly increasing with every breath. Seriously.......really.......no painting at all. Ok, a little. A few hours and two familiy arguments later S U P E R!..super P O N G!...pong F O U R!...four....is ready to go. With four paddles the entire family can play, and we do. For a while everyone is having fun. 4-play tennis goes over very well. As does two player basketball. Then one by one there's only me. Twisting the paddle back and forth, all the while learning how to angle the "ball" a certain way. Honing my "skillz" if you will. I don't know it then but from that moment forward a video game system was always present in my home.

hristmas the next few years was all about the Blip. That little red line that adorned just about every handheld game at the time. I remember playing just about all of them. Mattel Football, Basketball, Hockey, Soccer, Baseball, Football II (with passing), Battlestar Galactica (aka Missile Attack), Merlin, Coleco's Head to Head Series, Simon, Microvision (this one was strange), Digital Derby and many many others. Laying on the grass in my backyard scoring touchdown after touchdown. Until the sun shone down through the branches completely obliterating my little dash-ing quarterback. These games were very tough too. Dropped, thrown and sat on, they still came on bright as day when asked. I remember playing with a low battery would sometimes create some interesting visual and audio glitches. My friends and I would treat these games like trading cards. On the bus. In the car. In school. Everywhere. The arcade scene was starting to spread as well.Space Invaders hit the scene, but I never played it as much as I did Asteroids. I remember it was at Shakey's Pizza with some friends I first learned the 'leave one small slow rock on the screen' trick. At the movie theater we played the Atari football trackball game while waiting to see Superman The Movie. Those battles were always heated and intense due to the frantic rolling of the trackball. Inevitably someone always got pinched. From 1978 to around 1990 arcade companies somehow managed to keep me coming back to play games despite what was to come next for me. By August of 1979 I had moved to Northen California and I hadn't touched my SuperPong IV in over a year.

ittle did I know that Christmas of '79 was to be my last real one as a kid. Because after that...well...mom got sick and died during the holidays a few years later. That forever altered my perceptions of every Christmas that followed. So many things change so fast you hardly have time to see them as they're happening. But for the moment I'm still a somewhat introverted but happy-go-lucky kid. Now. I already knew the Atari 2600 (as well as many, many knockoffs. Hmmm......foreshadowing?) had been out for a while, but moving costs among other things kept me from obtaining....the perfect toy. But this was the year, I felt it. Only two things could ruin this Christmas. No Atari and my sister's boyfriend. (Give me a break...I'm a kid. It's not like my problems are that deep) He was the biggest buttmunch on the earth. But I swore to myself this is the day I obtain......the perfect toy. I guess you know what came next? "Hey buddy...check behind the bookcase for anything else." Is that a choir I hear singing just for me alone? I can almost make it out......Aaaahhhhhhhtaaaaarrrrriiiii. After 30 minutes and only one family argument, we fire it up. Oh joy. It's all it could be and more. Tanks, planes, curving bullets, invisible bullets, dragons, racing, sports, missles, bats, alligators, gold, bombs, some guy named Yar and a little alien everyone would like to forget.

I even played some games against the 'boyfriend'. Perfecting my joystick ablilities with every mashing of the button. Thinking back, the Atari was birth to many of my gaming firsts. The first time I ever openly swore in front of my parents just happened to be while I was playing Pitfall. The first time I threw a joystick in frustration. The first trash-talking of a friend. Christmas and gaming were slowly merging into one. So for me, one always meant the other. All was well in the gaming world. By 1983 arcades were my bread and butter. A few more systems came out too. Vetrex, Colecovision, Atari 5200 and a few others. Computers had the releases of the Apple III and Commodore 64. My parents were not the type to shell out for every new system that came out, so the early computer age I only chanced a few glimpses into that world through the eyes of other neighborhood kids. But the arcades is where I mostly dwelled. Did anyone ever see that movie Brainstorm, and the part where Christopher Walken is watching Louise Fletcher's pre-recorded heart attack and subsequent death, and all the images and feelings come surging back transformed into a giant wave of emotion? It's a tad like that. The early to late 80's were the heyday for arcade games, but if I continue on this path, this will turn into a blog about arcade games. I only emphasize this point because in the mid-80's the bottom fell out of the home gaming industry in America. The arcades were my crutch. Now, I hadn't obtained a new home system since my 2600, by then untouched for two years. What was I going to do for home gaming? Enter 1986. The rebuilding year.

hen Christmas of 1986 arrived, many things had changed. My mother had died. My father had re-married. My sister divorced.
I realized that Christmas and gaming were never going to be as they once were. Already gone was the traditional new system under the tree. If that was to continue for me, it would have to be by me, and me alone. Gone was the family argument while trying to hook up said system. It was becoming a pastime. Something to look back on with reverence. It was hard to let it go. Then it all changed in December of '86. What was once thought of as a childhood hobby started to take on a life of it's own. Thus began my new transformation from player to gamer. I was growing up, but so was gaming. Next Part II

OMG It's that cool mag EGM / Orig. posted 8/4/05

Ok, for those of you who read EGM and/or saw Kimi's blog a while back you know DirtyDiva and I were featured in the September issue in the Final Word section. Due to space constraints and possible boring answers, some of the feature was omitted. I thought it would be fun to show you all my conversation with Sara in its entirety. Enjoy. - xtcdukes

So what about them next-gen systems? Which one would you buy if you could only buy one?

Matt: I think I know what Sara's answer will be on this one. Just call it a hunch. Heheheh. I was pretty excited about the PS3 and the Revolution when info first started surfacing before E3 (which I didn't
attend *ahem*). But I have changed my mind on all three. In the past I have been one of the many to wait in line for the new next-gen system. But somehow I always seem to get burned in one way or another. Disc errors, small to non-existant launch library and so much hype surrounding them, one is blinded by how mediocre they always seem to be. I think this year I'm going to wait a bit.

Sara: Ohhh reaaally. You think you know me? haha Well, from what I sawat E3 (ner nee ner ner!) I have to go with XBox 360. Why? Well, therewas no great showing from Nintendo and PS3 basically killed themselves with their "questionable" demo. Again I will say, if Sony can actually pull of what they showed, I may reconsider my choice but as of now, XBox has definitely got my investment. Their superb online gaming is also another reason for my choice. Matt should be happy about me being one of his gaming guinea pigs. I'll have mine pre-ordered as soon as possible.

Matt: I have my PC for online gaming. Oh wait sorry we're not supposed to talk about that are we? How much is Microsoft paying you? I must know! hahaha

If you could permanently kill off one gaming franchise, which would you pick?

Sara: Eenie meenie miney mo, oh Nokia, you must go! I'm sorry but all three major players in the console race lend different strengths but Nokia? I know they had good intentions but it's time for them to count their losses and lay down their hand. N-Gage = poop.

Matt: It could be my stuck-in-my-ways old age talking, but I thought the question was about an actual game, and it's subsequent sequels. If that was true then my choice would have to be the Halo series. (Please send all hate mail to EGM's round file) I liked the first one, and like all others waited with anticipation for the second installment. Ok, is it just me or is it pretty much just like the first? Two guns? No ending? Big deal. Kill it before it turns into a shadow of it's initial greatness. Oh wait, it already has. But to take your path on this, I would have to agree. Where's the fun playing on a taco? Hey Guys!

Sara: Ahh Pass the dunce cap. I like to think BIG haha my mistake. I would never say to kill the Halo series because I still have hope that they can make a great come back with 360 - Then again, if they just released all of the previous maps in multiplayer mode, I'd be happy. If we're talking games, I'd say Timesplitters has to go. Those games were just crap.

Matt: Halo, Timesplitters. Tomato, tamato.

What's the best game of modern times (current gen) and all time?

Matt: Damn you EGM for making me pick. These best of all time lists spark nothing but arguments and letter bombs. So for want of a new mailbox I have two picks for the current generation systems. Animal Crossing and Katamari Demacy. Two games that came out of left field and have contributed to many a sleepless night in search of that perfect chair or the biggest ball of junk the King of Cosmos has ever seen. As far as the game that reigns supreme over all others? Well, that has to be Tetris. Never before has a game spawned so many clones. Without Tetris there would be no Lumines. It is the epitome of what gaming is all about. Pick it up. Play it. Smile.

Sara: NO NO NO! That was my pick! You have to pick another, I'm sorry. Hmm, there are so many great games out there. Metal Gear Solid was such a pioneer in story driven action. Ghost Recon was so great as both a strategic FPS and great online game. The GTA series' has really pushed the boundaries of all that's acceptable. Of course, Halo:CE was just a phenomenal all-around game. So many greats for different reasons. I don't want to pick just one and you can't make me! Oh, ok, how about Lemmings?

Matt: Lemmings? As your all time favorite game? C'mon! Try harder. Are you just throwing that out there? It's seems like such a from-the-hip choice.

Sara: HAHA No, I just can't pick a favorite so the first thing that came into my head was lemmings. I ride NYC Transit too much.

PSP or DS?

Sara: PSP! PSP! I kept telling myself that I would wait until all the bugs had come out but it just didn't happen. After whining throughout lunch that I felt like I was missing out, a co-worker insisted I go just to shut me up. The UMD movies are incredibly clear even on such a small screen. I am completely hooked on Lumines where I got close to breaking the 1,000,000 barrier. Some day... Also, I haven't been a big fan of Nintendo offerings since the N64. Nothing about the DS wowed me.

Matt: Poor Poor Nintendo. I for one love my DS. It seems to be gaining steam now. I agree at launch the PSP was the no-brainer choice, as long as you didn't mind Sony throwing up a big middle finger to anyone's concerns regarding button placement, dead pixels and memory stick costs, but just because a system has great graphics doesn't make it better. I tend to use both systems for diffent gaming moods. Don't get me started on the movies though.

Sara: Yes, I agree the handling of the button problem wasn't pretty but something must have been done because I haven't had a problem (knock on wood). As for the memory stick, I don't care about that because I don't need it for an mp3 player or a photo display. Also, graphics don't completely make the game but they do make them better. If they didn't we'd all still be perfectly happy bouncing single pixels across the screen instead of unleashing a fury of realistic arms on mind-blowing creatures.

Matt: But I am happy pushing pixels. Tetris, best game ever, Remember? But do you see what I'm saying? Sony comes out with this do all machine, and for what? So they can say they did. I am sick of these catch-all systems. Most people don't even buy them for that purpose anyway. I mean who actually decided to purchase a PSP because of the mp3 or movie capabilities? Stick to games guys, it's what we're here for. Otherwise we'd be debating on the Apple site about which iPod is better. Oh, and I hit a million. Hee hee.

The Old Man and the Alien /Orig posted 1/31/05

Our story begins in a not so small town. Not a bursting metropolis, but rather a semi-large area of buildings and people. Almost a city, but not quite a small town as lived in by the likes of that kid from Deliverance. So, to recap. Not a city, but a town-like community where some things may or may not happen. But sometimes things really do happen in a town-like community where some things may or may not happen. Strange unexplainable things. Now, in this town lives an old man. Not an ordinary old man, but not extraordinary either. More of an ordinary old man who had something extraordinary happen to him...in a town-like community where some things may or may not happen.

The Old Man lived in an era of vast technology. Not quite flying cars or hoverboots, but instead flying gas prices and hover boobs. Which gives you an idea of the priorities of the world. The Old Man accepted technology. You may say technology was his next door neighbor. Not exactly a friend, but ok to hang out with during a weekend barbeque. The Old Man did not fear technology, nor did he whole heartedly embrace it. The Old Man is no savage. He owns an iPod. But the Old Man did fear one thing. He lacked computer savvy. He had no techno-mojo when it came to what he referred to as the "Box-O-Terror". Computers were a mystery to the Old Man. But being the unsavage-like person he was, the Old Man learned how to use a computer. He played games on one at home, used one at work and had the basic knowledge of this semi-sentient apparatus. So he made due.

The Old Man muddled through his computer life knowing only a fraction of what could be known. But the Old Man knew this would never change, for you see, the Old Man has no patience. Not in the "Doctor will see you now" sense, but in the "I'm too damn lazy" sense. But this way of thinking eventually caught up to the Old Man. His computer slowly became obsolete. Newer, more advanced games would not work. The same went for programs. Then the viruses started creeping in. Electronic roaches scurrying throughout the machine leaving behind their poisonous trail. What was he to do? "I will teach myself", he said. And that's exactly what he did.

The Old Man learned a few things in his travels down the information two-lane highway. Message boards, websites, magazines and people in general were his encyclopedias. Even encyclopedias agreed to help. But too little too late. It was too much to learn. Much too daunting a task. Technology was slowly passing him by. After all, he was still from a town-like community where some things may or may not happen. What was going to happen? How will he catch up? Will he catch up? How was he going to interject anything into the conversation about the latest gaming blitzkrieg if he didn't have the tools to do so? And did anyone else care? What the Old Man did learn was that his computer was nothing but a really big storage box for music files and not much more. He needed to upgrade. There it was. The word the Old Man was fearful to speak aloud, now out in the open for all to hear. He realized it was too late to turn back now. If he did not upgrade soon, he would no doubt transform into the person that can only talk about how great Defender was or is the only one at the party talking about Spider Solitaire. He knew he wanted it. Upgrade. To the Old Man, the word was mysterious and exciting, all the while holding the key. The key that opens a common bond shared by many. A bond so strong, divorces have been built upon it's foundation. That bond is gaming. This was the primary reason the Old Man started his quest for the almighty Upgrade.

As with his earlier studies the Old Man fell back into the internet to ask the many cyberites to aid in his plight. This is where the trouble began. With all sorts of ways to upgrade (more memory, new video card, etc.) the Old Man started to think this was more than his tiny little mind could understand. Millions of conflicting comments about how one should upgrade. Advice from all walks of life (some good, some not so good and some just plain nasty with a holier than thou attitude) flooded the Old Man's inbox. "Try this card, Get that motherboard, don't buy that, it's crap" seemed to be the most popular responses. The Old Man was swimming in indecision. He was more confused than ever. When the advice turned to specs, the Old Man knew he was in over his head. He had to reach for a line, something that would pull him ashore out of the digital undertow. With bit rates and processor speeds still swirling in his head, the Old Man got cold feet. He was afraid of making a bad purchase. He had the money to spend, but he didn't want the headache of putting it all together. So he scrapped the entire idea, promptly got inter-shitfaced and passed out on his bed.

The Old Man awoke very disoriented. It was pitch black. Possibly from lingering effects from the night before in which he drank the equivalent of a small lake. He sat up and the lights went on in his head. Blinding light, piercing his head. Ok, there's the effects from the night before. As the Old Man's eyes adjusted he saw he was sitting on rectangular table. Swinging his legs over the side, he sees a light to the left. With wobbly legs the Old Man staggers toward the light. Closing in he can see the light is a sign. "Open", it glows and just below is a single door. The Old Man (who unbeknownst to him is about to become the ordinary old man who had something extraordinary happen to him) turns the knob and enters. Inside is a single aluminum table and two aluminum chairs. The Old Man sits in the chair nearest to him. Sitting across from him is a glowing Very Little Bald Man.

"How can I help you Sir?"
"Uh...what is this place?"
"A place that can help"
"How?"
"No..not how...Help"
"Shit! No, what I mean is how can you help?"
"By offering you what you seek"
"And what is that?"
"Don't you know? Isn't that why you are here?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"I speak of the only path not yet walked"
"Um...."
"U p g r a d e. For a fee we can fulfill your need"
"A small fee you say?"
"A fee, yes"
"Small?"
"Ummm....So would you like to join the upgraded world now?"
"When do we begin?"
"It has already begun."

The Old man awoke back on his bed, in his room, of his house erected in his town-like community where some things may or may not happen. Thinking it all a dream from the effects of the yada-yada-yada, the Old Man walked out into the kitchen and stopped dead. Standing at three feet tall, a shiny black box sat in the middle of the Old Man's house. Crawling over and around the box were creatures obviously feline in nature. The Old Man stepped towards the box and one of the creatures hissed and swiped at his hand. A note taped to the side of the box read,

Please submit your credit card to one of the Credikittys

The Old Man takes his credit card from his billfold and tentatively hands it to the creature on top of the box. The Credikitty eyes change to infrared and scan the card. The Old Man watches as clicks and whirrs emanate from inside the feline. A thin strip of paper rolls from the mouth of the creature onto the floor. The Old Man bends down and picks it up reading the word receipt stamped on the top. With a final hum and a pop, both Credikittys disappear into nothingness.

TOP SECRET

Briefing Document: Operation Old Man

For Col. A. Reynolds eyes only

January 26, 2005: It has been two days since the Old Man stopped talking. He was found in his home shouting incoherent psycho babble. Things like "Finally! Half-Life 2! Far Cry! Oh My God! Tron never looked this good! No more freeze-unfreeze deaths ever again! I don't care if I could have built a cheaper one myself! It was never about the money! Thank you Alien! Thank you!" He keeps shouting something else about a Credi-kitty, but until further tests we are unsure of the nature of this matter. We have been able to commission from the domicile a large humming object that radiates a bluish color from its base, (some have unofficially labeled it Black and Blue) but are unable to ascertain its function.

January 28, 2005: We have discovered the function of the Credi-Kitty. It seems to work on some basic level as a garden variety atm machine as well as the ability to bend space and or time. The photos attached show the scale is akin to a normal house cat. More research is vital. We need to figure out the machine's function as soon as possible.

January 29: The Old Man is gone. He somehow managed to escape with the machine in his possession. This happened during full lockdown. I am afraid the situation is FUBAR. We have no video of the escape. The cameras malfunctioned. Security audio however picked up the Old Man's ramblings as he snaked through the corridors evading all military personnel. Only one phrase could be made out. It doesn't make sense. I've listened to it over and over, and I still don't know what it means. "access god mode......god mode...god mode...god mode".

You don't say.....

What were YOU in your past life?

You were a teacher! Strict,but funny, you taught children how to play music and sing the most lovely songs.

Instructor: You took music seriously and hated it when others didn't. You taught your students the best, and never stopped playing music. You knew how to love, and soon found one. You love to play her your songs, and she loves to sing to them.
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Somehow, this doesn't surprise me.