Originally posted 1/19/05

A trend is growing in the movie business. Diabolical in it's simplicity. A sickness so infectious, it's spread is already upon us. It's slowly eating the industry from the inside out. What is this celluloid cancer I speak of? It holds many names and many disguises. What I speak of is the remake. Also known as the adaptation, update, redo, homage, based on, loosely translated and my favorite the as re-told by. I'm sure you can come up with a few hundred more on your own.
The point being is the American movie machine seems to be doing nothing but regurgitating old ideas and storylines and slapping some shiny new millennium package onto them and Presto!, a new movie for the ages. Before you spew a Siskel like hatred in my direction, let me say this up front. The remake has been in the movie industry in one form or another (as well as from many other artistic formats, which I will list shortly) for a very long time, and has succeeded in some instances. But something changed during the editing process. Something went wrong in Tinseltown. The remakes became a little more frequent and a little less as entertaining as the original. Which is where stand today. Miles upon miles of film dedicated to the remake. Do we really want this trend to continue, to one day open the Sunday paper and find nothing but re-hashes of something we've already experienced? I say nay! "But what can I do?", you ask. Avoid the remake. Avoid it at all costs. If you simply cannot withstand the temptation and hypnotic pull of the brand new shiny old story, then read on, my Silver screen stunted award winners.

Listed below is a simple breakdown of the remake tree and a few of it's larger branches and all their poisonous brambles. Please be aware this is not a definitive chart of how to avoid the remake, but it will help you on your way, unless your way is to avoid all movies at all times, which means you're wasting everyone's time by being here. So sit in the back and be still. And spit out that gum.

Lesson 1:
The Television Remake

The biggest offender (and spreading faster than imitation butter spilled on your pants) is the TV remake. It's a relentless tentacled monster with an insatiable appetite. It squeezes all entertainment value out of many television genres. From sitcoms to cartoons, the movie making brain trusts have found a seemingly limitless fountain of ideas to choose from. But as you know, what may be ok on tv doesn't always work on the larger screen. An idea not yet grasped in Hollywood. Every time you turn around there is a new 'updated' version of a show or cartoon, which by the way just taints the memories one has of tuning in every week as a kid. As if this isn't bad enough, the beast splits heads yet again. From a direct translation (The Flintstones) into the "throw the old characters into the future" setting. The second type has to be the worst. You know what I mean. Let's see if I can think of one........how about.....Fat Albert? Now if they (and by they, I mean everyone but me) want to make a movie on the cartoon Fat Albert, cool. I'm behind that. Because in my mind I'm thinking, "Great! Albert and the gang getting in and out of trouble, playing some junkyard funk, learning a lesson and maybe catch a live action blurb of The Brown Hornet." Alas, no. Set in today's time, it is just an excuse to throw in the Hey! Hey! Hey! vernacular amidst inane jokes and Hip-Hop references/and or cameos. Give me 1970's Fat Albert every time. The Brady Bunch is another example. It doesn't end there. It seems to be another trend to attempt to "funny" up some of the old shows (Starsky & Hutch, Charlie's Angels, and you know there going to do that to the A-team, not that it wasn't funny, wait was that a drama?). I believe the word is kitchy. Spare me. And that's just the beginning. Be on the lookout for Bewitched (Will Farrell as Darren, seriously?), The Six Million Dollar Man (Jim Carry....wouldn't he make a better Darren?), Wonder Woman, and The Honeymooners, starring Cedric the Entertainer. Um, what? Did I hear that right? Isn't that like Sally Struthers playing Louise Jefferson? What's next? Silver Spoons the Movie? The silver (sorry) lining to this is sometimes they get it right (South Park, The Fugitive). So all is not loss. The TV remake has potential, but right now it's just another example of too much of a good thing.

Lesson 2:
The Literary Adaptation

This should really be Lesson 1. The seed planted in my little blogarden was a direct result of the dangerous murky swampland known as the Literary Adaptation. A.K.A. 'from the novel of'. I have always loved books more than movies. I'm biased that way (As opposed to the way I've been up until now). So when I saw a movie being made of one of my favorite stories The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I was both skeptical and excited at first. While navigating to the Official website, I thought how is this going to be possible? Can they convey the humor the book; and to some extent the BBC version, did so effortlessly? Then I see the website's intro page. All shiny and modern, a large blue thumb gleams back at me devoid of any humor. Nervously, I waited as the trailer loaded.......and.....A teaser trailer to be precise. If you've seen it, you'll see where I'm going. Did you even get the sense of what the movie was about, and what kind of tale? I see an apocalypse-end-of-the-world-action-type movie when I see that. I'm afraid the story will be lost in the modern effects plagued by today's movies. Did anyone notice that Marvin (if that is indeed him) shrunk considerably? We arrived at the point (finally). It's a daunting task to turn a book into a movie. Remember I'm biased about this. Let me explain. When Kathy Bates whacked at James Caan's leg with a sledgehammer in Misery, I was disappointed it was changed from the book's version. In the book she used an axe, getting it stuck in the bone. A small change sure, but a much larger one in the scope of the story and character. If the book isn't going to be respectfully re-created then don't bother. The bookworms will know the difference. Peter Jackson knew that. That's why LOTR worked. Shawshank Redemption was also a great translation that worked. Even the dialogue was pretty spot on. But Hollywood rarely gets it right.

Science Fiction stories tend to fare the worst when ripped from their pages with no regard to plot or character. Dune, Sphere, The Time Machine (both versions), The Running Man, Planet of the Apes (all versions) are just a few that have been mutilated. The L.A. knows no genre boundaries either. Jane Eyre, Dracula, Scarlet Letter, Interview with a Vampire, all Shakespeare, is routinely changed to fit the trend of the times. Remember the Romeo and Juliet with Claire Danes and Leonardo D? Awful. Ditto, the martial arts version Romeo must Die. Maybe all the decision makers in Hollywood should actually read the book they're siphoning from. It couldn't hurt, right?

Lesson 3:
The Gaming Glossover

Do I really have to continue? Well, this is a gaming site so I'm obligated, aren't I? Can I get a decent movie based on a video game please? Don't be confused with movies that include gaming as an activity (The Wizard). Were talking literal character translations. We now know the decision makers don't play games as well as being afraid of large books. It must be the only explanation as to how one can ruin a story as simple as the Lady Croft's. They picked the right person, but it all was buried underneath the idea of what could be merchandised. So the story suffered. Street Fighter (kill me, kill me now), Mortal Kombat (almost had it), Mario Bros (huh?), Wing Commander (Colin Ferrell, yeah right), Resident Evil (Isn't that the "Multi-pass" girl?) are movies that I can recall, were all smelly out-in-the sun-all-day-jar-of-mayo rotten. An affront to all gamers everywhere. Final Fantasy was ok, as long as it was just called 'The Spirit Within'. Drop the Final Fantasy from the title and you have an ok CG film. When are they going to get it right? Surely being movers and shakers they could at lest get a hold of a gaming system, and play a few games. I am keeping my hopes up for the Halo movie to be good. But just to be sure they should keep Ben Affleck and Will Smith off the set at all times.

Editor's note: For those of you wondering, Tron is the greatest gaming movie ever. Just edging out The Last Starfighter.

Lesson 4:
The Deja Vu

A question? How many times has the movie Freaky Friday been made? Did you say 2? That would be wrong. Realistically it's been done at least 4 times (2 made as FF, Like Father Like Son, Vice Versa). Over and over movies are copying themselves. Some are copies frame by frame (Psycho). Others have that little updated twist that Hollywood thinks everyone likes (Oceans 11). Many more are hybrids of original movies made in the past (Death takes a Holiday into Meet Joe Black) If I ever see another version of A Christmas Carol I'm going to cry. Some movies should not be redone. The original was fine the way it was. Don't bring up Willy Wonka either. I can't explain that one. (I know I'll like the first one even after watching the new Prince Valiant Oscar Wilde I mean Johnny Depp version, even though the new one is allegedly based more on the book.) This is the most slovenly way of movie-making and should be stopped. Some have left in their wake a cheated feeling after viewing (Godzilla) while others have not yet come to pass (Pink Panther The Longest Yard, King Kong, War of the Worlds, The Producers). The recipe is the same. Take a good successful movie, add one part ignorance, two parts dollar signs, a pinch of story, stir it all up and bake until unrecognizable. There should be a rule written somewhere. If the original was good, a remake is not allowed. Think of it this way, what if George Lucas remade Star Wars every 10 years? Wait.........bad example.

Lesson 5:
The Flying Lotus Theory

When the well has run dry, don't look for another well, just steal the water from your neighbor when his back is turned. Diabolique, Blame It On Rio, 12 Monkeys, Point of No Return, The Ring, The Grudge have all been taken from movies made in other countries. In most cases the original is always better. Are we seeing a trend not meant to be seen? What's that boardroom meeting like?

Boss: "We need something fresh, original. Something the public isn't tired of."
Lackey: "Sir we've got nothing, nothing at all."
Boss: "Well' you'd better think of something."
Lackey 2: "We could just steal movies from other countries"
Boss: "It's so lazy and thoughtless, it just may work."

I have this picture in my head (a movie if you will) showing a Hollywood movie gopher tunneling into other countries in the dead of night and stealing from the centralized foreign movie vault, where all are kept. It just seems like a sleazy way to make a movie. Even one of the worst movies of all time (Three Men And A Baby) was taken from a 1985 french movie. Unbelievable. Then the machine finds a way to exploit the exploited. Create a sequel to a remake of a foreign movie. Now that's just wrong. At least there's a theater here where I live that still shows the original movie. So I can sometimes see the foreign version before the machine bombards me with their version. This is one of the harder lessons to learn for the sole reason that it's much more difficult to spot the Flying Lotus, thanks to the cunning and guile the Movie Industry shows when promoting a new film. Then as it starts making money, the movie becomes a hidden treasure in the world of cinema. My advice, lay low, look for and give a wide berth to the 'inspired by' moniker and always look to the east for this is the path to truth.

So that's it. As I started to write this it became apparent the subject matter was too large to be put down in one blog. Too many references, categories, etc. Also some lessons here can be reversed. Say for instance a TV show was made from a movie and turned out better. One thing is certain. The remake trend is now a ravenous animal. It needs to be killed, or at the very least controlled. So grab your gun and buckshot, and we'll put Old Yeller down one last time.